Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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