I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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