I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
