Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
