is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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