I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
