Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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