She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
