Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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