From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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