Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
