I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
