Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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