remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
