Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
