I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
