my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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