your parents love me but you hate me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Randomize
