oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
