Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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