Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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