Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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