Swine flu. Run for my life!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
