I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
