I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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