his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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