Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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