just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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