Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
