i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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