Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
