if you like me you must not know who I am
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
