every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
