you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
