We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
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