what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize