kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
