first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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