I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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