The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
