There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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