I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
