Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
