I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
