Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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