I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize