i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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