nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
