Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
