Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
