Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
