you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize