i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You ate ashes out of my bong
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