This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
