Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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