...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
