I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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