We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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