so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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