Where is the hickey?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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