Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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