pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
