I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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