but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
